Let Your Faith Be Bigger Than Your Fears

Today is the day that its over for the house we are trying to get. All because the sellers would not give us two more weeks. I should be devastated, and I normally would be. But I am trying something different and having faith and being more positive. I liked that house I did. And it seemed like such a sure deal but the Lord has other plans for us and I know that now.
As much as I liked that house it did have some issues and I always felt like maybe it wasn't right but Daniel said it felt right and I was so excited I just didn't listen. My main issue with that house is its on such a busy street and a bus stop is right out front. That just doesn't seem save for my girls. Plus as much as I tried to see us in the house and our things I couldn't. I told myself it was because I was being negative about it and thinking something would go wrong. I tried to tell myself nothing was gonna go wrong. But I was right.
Sometimes I do not trust my own thoughts, but I guess I should probably start listening to them.
Well I thought I would dread today because I am usually a mess when things do not go my way. But I am not. I am actually super excited. Why? I thought we wouldn't find something that we could afford but the more I look the more I see that there is several houses that we can afford.
A lot of the houses need TLC but that is fine. Daniel is a handy and so is quite a few people in our lives, so that is no big deal. Also than we can make it our own.
I feel like the Lord is directing us to where we need to be and that is why I am excited. He knows what he is doing and I have total faith in that. It might not be in our time but its in His time and that is what is important.
So yes we are not moving soon but we are heading in the right direction and the Lord will watch over us. As long as we walk in faith everything is gonna be okay.

Faith

Oh man am I having  a hard time. Looks like we won't being getting our house. It hurt yes it does. But I am starting to be okay with it. Why do you ask?  Because I am trying to have more faith. Faith the Lord knows what he is doing. Faith that everything will work the way it should be and the way the Lord wants it to work not how I want it to work. So yes it hurts. Yes I am upset. But with my faith I will be alright. It will all be okay. 

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Jeremiah 29:11-14a “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord…”

Hello Again!!!

I know I haven't posted a lot. Sometimes I start doing something and I quit after awhile but I think that maybe it will be good to continue on writing to see if it helps me and can help others. I am doing a lot better than the last time I have posted. I have been on medication for months and it does help me. I am not perfect though and sometimes I still have bad days but they are not as bad as they use to be. At this moment I am just so stressed. I seem to have a panic attack every day because of what is going on. It feels like something is just sitting on my chest all the time. I know its because I am trying to do everything by myself. Trying to get a new house, packing, cleaning, working, being a mom, being a wife and many other things. I know I should ask for help but I am stubborn.
I am trying to be more faithful and realize that the Lord knows what he is doing and he will help me. I am trying to remember whatever happens is his will, not mine.
I guess its because I really really want this house. It feels so right and everything seems to be working out for it. But at the same time in the back of my mind I feel like its gonna go bad.
I am trying to not be so negative. Maybe me writing all my frustrations down will help me. And maybe others will see if they are going through the same things they are not alone.

After A Rain Storm Always Comes A Rainbow.

I have always loved that saying. I know its not completely true but it does help you realize that the reason you are going through hard times is so something good can happen. I totally believe that every thing we do in this life is to help us learn and to grow. Now if you are like me sometimes you feel like you have to go through a little more than you think is fair. But at the end of it you realize why it happened.

As you all know I have been having a hard time. Trying to figure out "Who is Afton?" I have been trying to put labels on me and figure out who I fit in with. This weekend I had an experience happen to me that I am not gonna talk about because it was not my wisest decision. I did something I knew I shouldn't because it was against what I have been told. But I did it any way, thinking it would make me feel better. Well it didn't, it actually made me feel like crap. But do I regret this decision? No I do not. Why you ask? It helped me figure out who I am. It helped me realize the type of person I am and the type of person I want to become.

Who am I? I am Afton, plain and simple. I cannot be put into a category and try to fit in with one person or another because it's not gonna happen. And now I am okay with that. I don't need to care what others think of me. I need to be me. I use to be so care free and not give a damn of what anyone thought. I did my own thing and was my own person. Some where a long the way I lost track of that girl and tried to be something I am not. I tried to be this timid quiet girl that tried not to stand out or act the way I wanted to out of the fear of what people would think. Well guess what? That is not me. If you know me you know I am not that person. I am loud, talkative, crazy, and a bit annoying at times, I tell you how it is no matter if you do not like it, I am loyal to my friend and family and I will be there when ever you need me, and I love the Lord with all my heart and I know he loves me. I know people change as they grow up become more mature but that doesn't mean I have to change myself completely. Just because I feel like I do not fit in does not mean I need to change to fit in. I need to be me. I need to do what I know is right, and I need to not let fears or doubt of things I do not understand hold me back from what I know is true.

So there you have it, I have figured out who I am. I am Afton, I am a mother, I am a wife, I am a friend, I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I am not perfect, I have faults, I have failures, I am not like others, I am me, and that is okay.

Last Hope

Totally in love with this song by Paramore. Seriously I love music. I just wanted to share this song. I took out some verses because it repeats but you get the main part of the song. :) 

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed
But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive
Alive
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every Little Things Gonna Be Alright.

I know I haven't wrote in a few weeks but this blog was just becoming a downer. I know I have issues and I am not the happiest person but I felt like I was just being to whiny so I stopped writing for awhile.

Well it seems like things might be getting better a little. Yes I still have bad days more frequently than not. And sometimes good days turn into bad days but that's okay. I think I am starting to get a handle on all of it.

Today for instance I got the girls out of PJs and brushed their hair and mine as well, which is sad but doesn't happen that often. I also started dinner for tonight, which hasn't happened in a really long time. And I did the dishes, which I haven't done in forever. I was doing good. Now I am just meh!
What that means is I am not happy but I am not super sad either. I just have no motivation. That is my biggest problem. I have no motivation to do anything. So when I don't do anything I than feel bad about myself which makes me depressed. Its a cycle that I am trying to break. So far I haven't done the best.

I need to have more confidence in myself and in what I can do. Right now I feel like whats the point nothing is ever going to change. But I need to tell myself that is not the case. I keep doing that but so far it hasn't kicked in yet. If that makes any sense.

I just wanted to write and let you all know I am doing okay. I am getting a little better every day. I know its because of my medication and I just need to remember when it does work its the medicine and I need to keep taking it for it to work. Which drives me nuts I just want to be able to do it on my own. Sometimes that's not the case but that's okay.

For now I will take what I can get. If its a few hours of motivation and happiness or just a few minutes. One day it will all be alright.

Thank you all for the support and listening to my sob story. One day it will be different. I just got to keep trying to believe that and one day it might just happen.

Faith

Since it's Sunday I figured I would talk about faith and religion today. Well lets just say you might all think I am a good little Mormon girl but I am not. In fact I am having a hard time with religion. I hate to admit that. Why must you ask? I believe in God and Jesus Christ with all my heart that's not the problem. The problem is me. I also hate to admit my weaknesses because I feel like others will look at me differently. I don't want to be am outcast or someone that people are ashamed of.

First let me say I haven't went to church in months. That is one of my problems and I know it. Why haven't I gone? Well a very small reason is that I would have to go alone. Daniel has to work Sundays and I know it kills him he can't go to church, and I know it kills him more that I don't go. The main reason I don't go though is me. I feel like I don't fit in. I feel like I don't fit in with the people that go to church but I also do not fit in with people that do not go to church.

Another issue I have is I am not sure what is true and what isn't. I have been a convert of The Church of Latter Day Saints for 8 years now. That isn't all that long. Now don't get me wrong I love the church and I feel like it can be the truth. My biggest problem? What if I am wrong? That is what holds me back. I don't want to die and hear "Sorry you were wrong, you should of listen closer." Or something like that. Now don't get me wrong I think I can be good with out being Latter Day Saint I know plenty people that are. But that's also is not what holds me back.

My biggest problem is acceptance. I mentioned this before. I want to be accepted by everyone so I feel like I have to wear different hats to make others happy. I love my two best friends but they are not LDS (well one is but she doesn't practice it) and some of my family members are not religious at all. I know these people will accept me and love me no matter what but I feel like when I am with them I don't fit in and I HATE that feeling. And they are a big part of my life so I cannot just walk away from them. Than when I am with people that are LDS I feel like I need to be too and once again I feel like I don't fit in. Where do I belong? I have no idea.

One reason for all of this is I have no idea who I am. I know it sounds weird I am 24 years old and have no idea who I am. The reason for this is because the need to fit in. I don't know who I am because I change based on who I am around. It seriously sucks.

Now why am I writing all of this? Well so that people understand what I am going through. I am sure some are wondering why is Afton acting like this. Well this is the reason. I need to figure out who I am. I need to figure out what I truly believe. No one can do that for me but me. I need to do that all by myself. I am trying I promise. I haven't made any head way yet but I am trying.

The bright side of all this is my wonderful husband though. Yes he knows what I am going through. We tell each other everything including our hardest struggles. He tells me he loves me no matter what, and I truly believe that. But I know this hurts him. He said it doesn't but I have known him to long. That's another thing that haunts me. I want to make him happy. I want to be the best wife possible for him because he deserves that. But at the same time I need to find myself. He puts his pain to the side to help make me happy. I hope no matter what I decide and whatever conclusions I come too it makes both of us happy. I do know that I am blessed though to have such a supportive husband no matter what. He is my rock. He holds me together when nothing else does. And I do thank the Lord for him everyday.