My Story

I figured I would start off talking a little about myself in case you do not know me. My name is Afton. I am 24 years old. I have been married almost 8 years and have two amazing daughters ages 2 and 4. Now that is how I start everything off. It's easy to state the facts. But who am I? I am not really sure. That is the grey area in my life right now. I also figured I would kind of talk about my life. Not in great detail because their will be other posts for that, and I don't want this post to be to big, so I will just stick with the basics right now.

I was born on February 15th in 1990. I was one of those kids that was born out of wedlock. Nothing is wrong with that it is something that happens. I was given my mothers last name because my dad he wasn't there. He didn't even sign my birth certificate. Now that's not a huge thing but I think it kind of affect me to this day. So to say the least he wasn't around to much. I met him like 4 times my whole life until he passed in 2008, but that is something I will go into later.

My mom tried I really believe she did but at that time she just could not take care of me for whatever reasons. For the most part my grandma raised me. Now I didn't have a bad childhood. My grandma did everything she could to make sure of it. Yes she worked a lot and she was not around to much but she wanted to make sure I was given everything I wanted. I was spoiled and I know it. My childhood was pretty great because of my grandma. I did live with my mom on and off or she would live with us but it wasn't for long periods of time. And though my grandma made sure I had everything I could ever want or need I still struggled. Mostly because I would see families where other kids had moms and dads, and than there was me. I saw my mom maybe 3 times a year if that when I didn't live with her, and the first time I remember meeting my dad I was 5. That is not a normal thing. So I kind of stood out, and I didn't like that.

I think that is where a lot of my issues and choices come from. I just wanted to be accepted. I mean for me to do drugs at a young age, lose my virginity at 14 to a 28 year old, to all my choices. Come down to me wanting to be accepted. I would dress, act and like the things that my friends did at the time. I know you know the term "daddy issues" yeah I think I might of had those. Because to the male gender is where I really wanted acceptance. I will go into more of those things later but I think that acceptance is what I wanted and what made me do the things I did.

Now if you have done the math I got married at 16. I get asked all the time why. Why did I get married at 16? Well a few months before my 16th birthday I was in a dark place. I just got dumped by a man I thought loved me but was just using me. I was with someone that I tried to love because he loved me and I know he did but I couldn't and was just kind of stringing him along, which by the way I still feel bad about. I didn't know where I was going or who I was. I think my depression I had my whole life was at an all time high. And I was about to end it. I have always been religious and at that time I felt close to God so I asked for help. I remember being on my knees bawling uncontrollably asking for help because I didn't know what to do. A month later is when I met my husband. It was love at first site for me. I was already in a relationship but after I met him I remember walking away and something told me "I will marry that man some day," I have come to realize now he was the answer to my prayers. He saved me and continues to save me every day.

I am 24 years old and I am still confused about who I am and where I belong.  But this is my story. My story about my past and the things that affect me and the choices I made. My hope it helps me figure out who I am. And maybe help others who have the same problems. At this time I know 3 things for sure: 1. I am a daughter of our Heavenly Father and he loves me even if I do make bad choices 2. My husband is my rock. He holds me together when I am falling apart and without him I would not be here today 3. My girls are my everything. They are the reason I want to be better. They are the reason I want to find who I am and I want to give them the best life that I can.

Now don't worry I will go more into everything but this is me. I am complicated and all over the place kind of like my writing but I am me and I will find out completely what that means.

Choices

I have felt and have been told several times I need to tell my story. I thought hmm maybe I will start a book but than I realized that takes to much commitment and who is going to read it. So I decided to start a blog. I have one for my family but I want to keep it about my family. I recently been using it just express my issues and that didn't seem right to me. So here I am.

Why did I name the blog choices? Well I personally believe the way people act and who they are all comes down to two things: choices and things out of our control. Everyone has the chance to make their own choices. Now some of us might have different mind sets or been raised differently but its our own choice to be who we want to be. And than some other times things happen that change us because of other people choices. For example it was not a woman choice to be beat or rape it was a choice of another but it still affects that woman and probably plays into the way she acts today. Now some things just happen. Like death unless it was an accident caused by others choices its out of our hands. For example cancer. Sure there are choices like not smoking that can lower the chances of not getting it but ultimately sometimes it just happens. And those things are out of our control. No matter what happens though even if you can't help it. It is your choice on how to handle it, and continue on handling it. Once again it all comes back to your choice.

Now I am not saying its easy. Personally I hate the term "If you want to be happy than choose to be happy" but for someone that has genetic depression, like I do, that's hard. My mind is hard wired differently than most and some days no matter how much I choose to be happy it just doesn't happen. But it is my choice to not let it defeat me, to not let it drag me down all the time. Sure I will have bad days, like many people but it is my CHOICE not to let it define me. I chose to get up the next day and try my hardest with my choices to make it a better day.

Now you know why I named this blog choices. It just felt like a powerful word to me that plays into everything. I am going to use this blog to talk about things. Personal things that I don't share to often. It's going to be hard but I feel like it is something I have to do. I have to be vulnerable if I want to help others. Because ultimately I feel like this is what it will do. Help others who are like me, and also help myself. I don't know who I am, or where I am going so maybe if I write things down it will help. It will make things seem a little better. Maybe putting things out there will help me deal with them a little better.

If you are reading this right now I want to thank you for taking time to go on this journey with me. Here goes nothing.