Last Hope

Totally in love with this song by Paramore. Seriously I love music. I just wanted to share this song. I took out some verses because it repeats but you get the main part of the song. :) 

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed
But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive
Alive
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every Little Things Gonna Be Alright.

I know I haven't wrote in a few weeks but this blog was just becoming a downer. I know I have issues and I am not the happiest person but I felt like I was just being to whiny so I stopped writing for awhile.

Well it seems like things might be getting better a little. Yes I still have bad days more frequently than not. And sometimes good days turn into bad days but that's okay. I think I am starting to get a handle on all of it.

Today for instance I got the girls out of PJs and brushed their hair and mine as well, which is sad but doesn't happen that often. I also started dinner for tonight, which hasn't happened in a really long time. And I did the dishes, which I haven't done in forever. I was doing good. Now I am just meh!
What that means is I am not happy but I am not super sad either. I just have no motivation. That is my biggest problem. I have no motivation to do anything. So when I don't do anything I than feel bad about myself which makes me depressed. Its a cycle that I am trying to break. So far I haven't done the best.

I need to have more confidence in myself and in what I can do. Right now I feel like whats the point nothing is ever going to change. But I need to tell myself that is not the case. I keep doing that but so far it hasn't kicked in yet. If that makes any sense.

I just wanted to write and let you all know I am doing okay. I am getting a little better every day. I know its because of my medication and I just need to remember when it does work its the medicine and I need to keep taking it for it to work. Which drives me nuts I just want to be able to do it on my own. Sometimes that's not the case but that's okay.

For now I will take what I can get. If its a few hours of motivation and happiness or just a few minutes. One day it will all be alright.

Thank you all for the support and listening to my sob story. One day it will be different. I just got to keep trying to believe that and one day it might just happen.

Faith

Since it's Sunday I figured I would talk about faith and religion today. Well lets just say you might all think I am a good little Mormon girl but I am not. In fact I am having a hard time with religion. I hate to admit that. Why must you ask? I believe in God and Jesus Christ with all my heart that's not the problem. The problem is me. I also hate to admit my weaknesses because I feel like others will look at me differently. I don't want to be am outcast or someone that people are ashamed of.

First let me say I haven't went to church in months. That is one of my problems and I know it. Why haven't I gone? Well a very small reason is that I would have to go alone. Daniel has to work Sundays and I know it kills him he can't go to church, and I know it kills him more that I don't go. The main reason I don't go though is me. I feel like I don't fit in. I feel like I don't fit in with the people that go to church but I also do not fit in with people that do not go to church.

Another issue I have is I am not sure what is true and what isn't. I have been a convert of The Church of Latter Day Saints for 8 years now. That isn't all that long. Now don't get me wrong I love the church and I feel like it can be the truth. My biggest problem? What if I am wrong? That is what holds me back. I don't want to die and hear "Sorry you were wrong, you should of listen closer." Or something like that. Now don't get me wrong I think I can be good with out being Latter Day Saint I know plenty people that are. But that's also is not what holds me back.

My biggest problem is acceptance. I mentioned this before. I want to be accepted by everyone so I feel like I have to wear different hats to make others happy. I love my two best friends but they are not LDS (well one is but she doesn't practice it) and some of my family members are not religious at all. I know these people will accept me and love me no matter what but I feel like when I am with them I don't fit in and I HATE that feeling. And they are a big part of my life so I cannot just walk away from them. Than when I am with people that are LDS I feel like I need to be too and once again I feel like I don't fit in. Where do I belong? I have no idea.

One reason for all of this is I have no idea who I am. I know it sounds weird I am 24 years old and have no idea who I am. The reason for this is because the need to fit in. I don't know who I am because I change based on who I am around. It seriously sucks.

Now why am I writing all of this? Well so that people understand what I am going through. I am sure some are wondering why is Afton acting like this. Well this is the reason. I need to figure out who I am. I need to figure out what I truly believe. No one can do that for me but me. I need to do that all by myself. I am trying I promise. I haven't made any head way yet but I am trying.

The bright side of all this is my wonderful husband though. Yes he knows what I am going through. We tell each other everything including our hardest struggles. He tells me he loves me no matter what, and I truly believe that. But I know this hurts him. He said it doesn't but I have known him to long. That's another thing that haunts me. I want to make him happy. I want to be the best wife possible for him because he deserves that. But at the same time I need to find myself. He puts his pain to the side to help make me happy. I hope no matter what I decide and whatever conclusions I come too it makes both of us happy. I do know that I am blessed though to have such a supportive husband no matter what. He is my rock. He holds me together when nothing else does. And I do thank the Lord for him everyday.

The Crazy Rambling of Afton.

If you can't tell I suck at doing things I say I am gonna do. I think my biggest reason I have not kept up with this blog is I am not sure what to write about. What is to personal? What is not gonna make me look like a crazy person? Okay I am a crazy person so I am sure nothing there.

Anyways I figured I would write today. Mostly about why I do the things I do. Number one reason. I have no faith in myself. Everything I do I feel like eventually I will fail. I feel like all I do is screw everything up. I don't want to do anything because I feel like "Well you are just gonna mess up anyways so why does it matter" Yep I know that's horrible but its how I feel. I am trying to change that mind set though.
The first way I am trying to help change that mindset is taking my medication. If you couldn't tell by now I have clinical depression. I hate it. I feel like it runs my life and I do not want it too. I hate that I feel so worthless and so low. And no matter what I do it doesn't change. I hate that I have to take medicine to make me feel half way decent. I hate the whole thing. Some people think is something they can just think away but its not, and I hate that as well.

I wish I could be the person I want to be but sometimes I am not sure how.

I have so much good in my life I know that I do but sometimes its hard to appreciate it. I have no idea why. I have a hard time looking at the brighter things of life. I wish this would all just get better. I feel like I am trying and trying to get out of this hole and I just keep sinking.

What do I want? I want to be happy and healthy. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me. I want to be the mother my children deserve, the wife I wish my husband had, and so much more. I want to have faith in anything. Right now I have faith in nothing.

I want to try to end this blog on a good note. The other day I was having a very bad day. I felt like I was all alone in this world. I was in my room in the dark crying and seriously thinking about what would happen if I wasn't here. I hate admitting this but its true. I have days like this more often than not. But something happened. I was laying there thinking no one needed me and that they would be better without me in all actuality. When my sweet little Caitlynn came in and said "Mama I need you!" And just laid there with me. She than got me to come out of my room because she wanted me too. Than her and Kairi sat on my lap and gave me hugs and kisses and told me "You are the best mom in the whole world".

Maybe one day I will be the mom that my kids think that I am.

Man this blog post is all over the place. I am sorry for that. I just have so much going on in my mind right now. And I am sure none of it is making sense. Thanks for listening anyways. Maybe it can help other realize they are not alone if they feel like this as well.