Faith

Since it's Sunday I figured I would talk about faith and religion today. Well lets just say you might all think I am a good little Mormon girl but I am not. In fact I am having a hard time with religion. I hate to admit that. Why must you ask? I believe in God and Jesus Christ with all my heart that's not the problem. The problem is me. I also hate to admit my weaknesses because I feel like others will look at me differently. I don't want to be am outcast or someone that people are ashamed of.

First let me say I haven't went to church in months. That is one of my problems and I know it. Why haven't I gone? Well a very small reason is that I would have to go alone. Daniel has to work Sundays and I know it kills him he can't go to church, and I know it kills him more that I don't go. The main reason I don't go though is me. I feel like I don't fit in. I feel like I don't fit in with the people that go to church but I also do not fit in with people that do not go to church.

Another issue I have is I am not sure what is true and what isn't. I have been a convert of The Church of Latter Day Saints for 8 years now. That isn't all that long. Now don't get me wrong I love the church and I feel like it can be the truth. My biggest problem? What if I am wrong? That is what holds me back. I don't want to die and hear "Sorry you were wrong, you should of listen closer." Or something like that. Now don't get me wrong I think I can be good with out being Latter Day Saint I know plenty people that are. But that's also is not what holds me back.

My biggest problem is acceptance. I mentioned this before. I want to be accepted by everyone so I feel like I have to wear different hats to make others happy. I love my two best friends but they are not LDS (well one is but she doesn't practice it) and some of my family members are not religious at all. I know these people will accept me and love me no matter what but I feel like when I am with them I don't fit in and I HATE that feeling. And they are a big part of my life so I cannot just walk away from them. Than when I am with people that are LDS I feel like I need to be too and once again I feel like I don't fit in. Where do I belong? I have no idea.

One reason for all of this is I have no idea who I am. I know it sounds weird I am 24 years old and have no idea who I am. The reason for this is because the need to fit in. I don't know who I am because I change based on who I am around. It seriously sucks.

Now why am I writing all of this? Well so that people understand what I am going through. I am sure some are wondering why is Afton acting like this. Well this is the reason. I need to figure out who I am. I need to figure out what I truly believe. No one can do that for me but me. I need to do that all by myself. I am trying I promise. I haven't made any head way yet but I am trying.

The bright side of all this is my wonderful husband though. Yes he knows what I am going through. We tell each other everything including our hardest struggles. He tells me he loves me no matter what, and I truly believe that. But I know this hurts him. He said it doesn't but I have known him to long. That's another thing that haunts me. I want to make him happy. I want to be the best wife possible for him because he deserves that. But at the same time I need to find myself. He puts his pain to the side to help make me happy. I hope no matter what I decide and whatever conclusions I come too it makes both of us happy. I do know that I am blessed though to have such a supportive husband no matter what. He is my rock. He holds me together when nothing else does. And I do thank the Lord for him everyday.