If you can't tell I suck at doing things I say I am gonna do. I think my biggest reason I have not kept up with this blog is I am not sure what to write about. What is to personal? What is not gonna make me look like a crazy person? Okay I am a crazy person so I am sure nothing there.
Anyways I figured I would write today. Mostly about why I do the things I do. Number one reason. I have no faith in myself. Everything I do I feel like eventually I will fail. I feel like all I do is screw everything up. I don't want to do anything because I feel like "Well you are just gonna mess up anyways so why does it matter" Yep I know that's horrible but its how I feel. I am trying to change that mind set though.
The first way I am trying to help change that mindset is taking my medication. If you couldn't tell by now I have clinical depression. I hate it. I feel like it runs my life and I do not want it too. I hate that I feel so worthless and so low. And no matter what I do it doesn't change. I hate that I have to take medicine to make me feel half way decent. I hate the whole thing. Some people think is something they can just think away but its not, and I hate that as well.
I wish I could be the person I want to be but sometimes I am not sure how.
I have so much good in my life I know that I do but sometimes its hard to appreciate it. I have no idea why. I have a hard time looking at the brighter things of life. I wish this would all just get better. I feel like I am trying and trying to get out of this hole and I just keep sinking.
What do I want? I want to be happy and healthy. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at me. I want to be the mother my children deserve, the wife I wish my husband had, and so much more. I want to have faith in anything. Right now I have faith in nothing.
I want to try to end this blog on a good note. The other day I was having a very bad day. I felt like I was all alone in this world. I was in my room in the dark crying and seriously thinking about what would happen if I wasn't here. I hate admitting this but its true. I have days like this more often than not. But something happened. I was laying there thinking no one needed me and that they would be better without me in all actuality. When my sweet little Caitlynn came in and said "Mama I need you!" And just laid there with me. She than got me to come out of my room because she wanted me too. Than her and Kairi sat on my lap and gave me hugs and kisses and told me "You are the best mom in the whole world".
Maybe one day I will be the mom that my kids think that I am.
Man this blog post is all over the place. I am sorry for that. I just have so much going on in my mind right now. And I am sure none of it is making sense. Thanks for listening anyways. Maybe it can help other realize they are not alone if they feel like this as well.
Getting your thoughts and feelings out there is a perfect way to recognize them for what they are, give them the acknowledgement they want, and then let them go. I don't know what it feels like to live in your reality, but I appreciate your willingness to put it out there and help people understand. You are stronger than so many of us, because you face your challenges every day and keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. I have loved getting to know you and your girls through your post and now your blog. You have even inspired me to get my TurboFire DVDs out again and get my but moving! You matter! Thank you for being who you are, Afton.
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